Thursday, November 1, 2012

kindness

My house looks like Halloween threw up all over it.
Candy is everywhere...
the boys all declaring different areas
of our downstairs "theirs"
demarcating their area with candy
organized in different ways.
a mountain here,
little mounds here,
and my youngest has simply taken over the kitchen.

I'm sorry to be a spoiled sport but I'm glad its over.
Funnily enough I can't wait til next year to do it again.
I need a do over for Halloween.

Not because I love it but because I hate it
and with three little kids that's not acceptable.
I tried to say I was trying but I was lying.
My attitude sucked.
And apparently, according to my DH, it showed.

Do you ever have one of the those nights
where you go to sleep exhausted
then about an hour later you wake up
with a running list in your head
of what you did wrong
and how you could have
SHOULD have
done better?

Let me explain...
our street had a block party.
Now I love my neighbors.
My immediate ones.
The rest I don't know...
we've lived on the street for a decade.
Some we recognize, others I couldn't
pick out from a police line up.
Now if you know me you know I'm a friendly person.
I say hello, wave, small talk...to anybody and everybody.
I thought anyway.

So last night we ate dinner early,
got the boys in their costumes
and walked down the street carrying
our cupcakes to the party.
Every body is gathered around chit chatting.
I don't see any friendly faces.
I get nervous.
I froze.
I felt like I was in high school.
Like when you're the last one picked for a team
or no one asks you to dance at the prom.
That kind of awkward weird.
Now I'm sure the fact that I hate crowds
had a little something
to do with my nerves but I was
off the hook uncomfortable.
I stepped on the crazy train.
It was a wild ride.

One of the twins,
let's call him Twin B
{who, again, had already eaten dinner}
finds the buffet and starts eating.
Inhaling is more like it.
Brownies, candy, you name it.
He comes up to me
with a mouthful of pizza
and a huge tomato stain
on his brand new costume.
{The twins were Angry Birds.}
Did I mention I have OCD?
I told you I was on the crazy train.

My blood pressure goes up
and instead of just laughing it off
I whisper in his ear that
I can't believe him
and he just ate
and where was his self control
and blah blah blah.

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I know. Talk amongst yourselves.

My mom was never into Halloween.
I remember judging her...now I am her.

I need to get over myself.
And my crazy.
It wasnt about the pizza stain.
Its about control.
MY lack of self control.
I'm trying to teach my kids lessons
that
I need to learn myself.

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I obviously need to work on meeting
all the people on our street.
I always tell my kids that even
if people don't seem friendly
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That's the only way.
Sometimes what I mistake for unfriendliness
is really what I suffer from...shyness.
But also I need to remember...
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I crawled into twin B's bed last night
about midnight and woke him up to tell him
I was sorry. We talked about it again
this morning. He said I was a good mom but
that sometimes I make mistakes.
We all do.

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My goal for the day, week, year...
is to be kind and

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