Wednesday, April 24, 2013

musings on motherhood

During my morning blog crawl I stumbled on a post about this book...
 photo Desperate-6-15-672x1024-1_zps3b6a244b.jpg

Intriguing right?
If you're a mom with young children I highly suggest you read
It seriously sums up my life of the past nine years...
hard to believe its been that long since I first became a mother.
Now that my youngest is about to start kindergarten
I will sheepishly admit that I feel like I am having
a mid-{motherhood} crisis of sorts...
trying to figure out which way to go,
which road to take,
what to do with my time now
that the boys will all be in school.
I've been blessed to be a stay-at-home mom
since the twins were a few months old.
I've missed working outside the house though.
Call me crazy but I do.
But I know that I want to be the one with them
in their good times...
for all their "firsts" like first step and first day of school
but I especially want to be here for their bad times...
when they are acting the fool and throwing down
and having a rotten day and even worse attitudes.
This is not about which is "best" -
being a working versus stay at home mom.
Please don't think that.
Just trying to figure out what's best for my family.
That's all.

I quit my job when the boys were four months old.
We had a nanny briefly...
but with two babies on oxygen tanks
and monitors
for months
it was a mess.
Add to that
I was a mess.
It was such a struggle for us to have kids.
I don't know that I've said that on here before.
I didn't talk about it for years.
It was hell at times.
I'm gonna lie.
But it was worth it.
Every single minute of it.
And in a way...motherhood in general is like that.
To me anyway...some of you might not agree and that's ok.

Yesterday I was swimming.
Trying to be all zen in the pool and calm my breath.
Trying not freak out when I got tired swimming but I couldn't stop.
I have to build my distance for that dang triathlon I signed up for
{a year ago I might add when I was feeling like super woman
having JUST learned how to swim
and surviving my first tri without dying :)}
Every time it was time for me to turn my head to breathe
I felt like I was just under the water and it was taking forever to surface.
You know that feeling like you just might drown?
Well that was me.
Parenthood with small children is like that too at times.
You're so tired from life with littles
that sometimes you can't or don't know how to take that
all too necessary breath and you get worn out.
I'm breathing more now that they're older and sleeping more.
Its both a delicious and scary time right now...
trying to find that mysterious balance of
finding that girl I once was while being
the kind of mama I want to be to my boys.
A girl's gotta dream right?

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