Friday, May 31, 2013

how I'm rolling

I think it started when I hit 40...
I started to let go
of a lot of baggage
that I carried with me
in all shapes and sizes.
It took me forever to stop trying to please other people.
Now don't get me wrong...
I love to make people happy
and do nice things for people.
I just stopped being a doormat...
like when you agree to do something
that you really don't want to
or that maybe isn't good for you
for fear
the other person will be mad
if you don't do whatever they're asking of you.
That kind of mess.
I let go of relationships,
romantic and not,
that weren't good for me.
I'm not proud of how I severed some of those.
But I know that I did it to save myself.
I gained a lot of weight in my twenties.
Not sure if I ever said that here before
but I weighed
at least fifty+ pounds more than I do now.
It hurts me to think about that now.
The extra fat was like a big blanket of protection in a way.
When I let go of people that weren't good for me
that weight
just fell off.
Like a scab.
{stress might have had a little something to do with it too}
My that was a great decade.
I met my husband,
got married,
had a few babies.
I make it sound so simple.
Like it all came so easy.
It was anything but.
But it was
{and worth every bad frog in the dating pond of life 
that I ever encountered I might add.}
So now I'm approaching the mid-40's...
and honestly, well, I don't know.
I love it in a way
and it scares the hell out of me in another.
I'm thankful for my physical self,
the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I have a little pooch on my belly that is apparently here to stay.
I have cellulite on my thighs that bothers the tar out of me.
My collagen stores have apparently left the building
and gravity has taken over.
But I run half marathons and triathlons too now.
My 20 year old self couldn't have done these things.
I love that I just don't give a crap anymore about the mean girls in life...
well maybe a little part of me wants their acceptance,
but thankfully the majority of me just wishes them well
{while secretly sending them telepathic messages to bite me}.
Mature I know.
You hit 40 and you see your friends getting sick and fighting for their lives.
You might even unfortunately bury a sweet friend.
You question your heavenly Father above about these things
and He puts it on your heart to hug your littles close
and be thankful for every day He graces you with.
With little ones
the days are long,
the years are so short.
I used to wish the days away
because I was so exhausted.
Now I'd give anything
{I think}
to have those baby days back.
I get it now.
That those days do end
and eventually the kids do sleep
and therefore so will you.
But you can never have that time back.
I wish I'd realized that then.
But here we are today.
In the middle of now.
Problem is...
I don't know where "I" am.
I think I'm somewhere between a mountain of mess
made by three growing boys
and a smile that's cracking jokes, trying to be funny
because she feels like she is the only one
who doesn't know
anything about anything
which road in life to take.
Do you ever get lost?
If so how do you find yourself?
I'll figure it out.
Right now I just don't know.
Uncertainty has always scared me.
But I'm better at facing my fears now.
42 and fearless...
that's how I'm choosing to roll.

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