Thursday, February 18, 2016

what up buttercup?

Once again the week has gotten away from me.
Let's run down the week shall we?
I've come to think of Mondays as "Maintenance Mondays" -
and no I'm not talking about manis/pedis and haircuts.
Mondays are used to clean up the tornado left by four boys over the weekend.
I'm talking dishes, groceries, and laundry.
Mountains of laundry.
Boring but crucial to keeping our ship afloat :)
Tuesdays are all about cleaning and tidying
and little projects around here.
Last week it was a little front yard makeover.
This week I managed to get a shower enclosure installed 
in the kids bathroom because apparently 
the shower curtain only stays closed 
when I personally open and shut it.
Otherwise there are puddles all over the floor.
No bueno.
Wednesdays are for errand running.
Yesterday was chock full of dry cleaning,
picking up supplies for the DIY projects I google on Tuesdays
and little side projects like spray painting something for my neighbor.
Are you asleep yet?
I know.
This is my life and I'm yawning.
Oh and I volunteer on Wednesdays now.
That's huge!
My husband and I volunteer through this cool online program
that our local public school system takes part in
that pairs each of us with a first grader who needs help
in learning how to read.
I'll be honest.
I've had the goal for YEARS of volunteering.
I made excuses all along the way.
I'll spare you the list.
I'm finally doing it and I'm telling you,
I get more out of it than my little student does I think.
I am so proud of her and I know because I hear it in her voice
that she is gaining confidence in her reading ability.

My friend Laura also signed up as an in-person tutor.
She is a voracious reader 
{think multiple book clubs}
and she regales me every week 
about her sweet students that she helps every week.
I share this to say if you have the time
then just know there's a need.
When you help someone learn to read
its a gift that will give forever.
As Dr. Suess said
"the more that you read,
the more that you know,
the more that you learn,
the more places you will go."

Speaking of reading
I'm knee deep in chapter four of Daring Greatly.
I've thought of blog post after blog post I could write about what I'm learning.
I'm so in love with this work.
I know I sound like a broken record,
I apologize if it does
its helping me be brave
and it also has me wondering
why in the heck 
I was ever scared.
Not that I'm not scared y'all, just less so.
But I'm getting it now.

I put my arena out there
and today for some crazy reason
I decided to show up.
As in look at the profile picture above...
yep...that's me.
Short hair, big lips, and that all tooth smile.
And you know what?
I'm loving her,
me with all my flaws and insecurities,
who's showing up to be seen.
Me :)
She is brave and courageous.
If this ain't perfect for the way I feel then nothing else is...


Here's a little big example of how its changing me
I have a list of draft posts that I start when the idea strikes,
if I have time to get to the computer that is.
This is a post I started before the end of last year...

"what up buttercup?
My friends will tell you that I say that a lot.
Usually if someone pops in my head I take that as a sign
and send them a quick text.
Lately that text has said "what up buttercup?"
Not sure where I picked up that slang.
To me it just says 
"hey. I'm thinking of you. 
whatcha up to?"
I know I've been a random poster lately.
Its not that I don't want to,
I've just been thinking about stuff.
Life and priorities.
A big one is should I continue this blog.
Just being honest.
You know I've been thinking about business,
something to call my own.
I've talked to some super talented and glorious people,
many of whom I've never met in person,
but through this crazy thing called the internet and blogs :)
I've made some dear friends.
So there's one friend
{she who shall not be named}
I've chatted with about growing a business online
and how to tie that in with blogging.
To blend or keep separate?
I shared with her that this place, this blog,
this space where I type from my heart, and
I don't know that this is where I want to connect the dots.
Blogging and business that is.
I'm pondering.
Maybe I'm just scared?
Or it could be my OCD perfectionist side coming out.
Like I want stuff to be perfect.
And let's not be fooled.
I know life isn't perfect.
I know me though.
There's gonna come a point where I'm just gonna jump.
In the meantime let's chat."

So that was part of my thought process from two months ago,
{pre-Brene, pre-courage works}
I know without a doubt
that the universe
brought me to this course.
Just as it has with every twist and turn on the road map of my life.
I keep seeing all these things,
 that when you put them all together,
these books, this course, recent church sermons,
phrases like jump, show up, gratitude that I mentioned
in my writing before taking this class,
things my friends and husband tell me,
are like little road signs telling me I was on the right path,
and things that some of you kind readers have shared with me
in the comments section and in private emails
{thank you, you know who you are :)}
all these things together
I feel
add up to an equation
that I'm in the process of solving.
And I have to tell you that I'm more excited
than I am afraid of the end result.
Its not that I'm not scared or hesitant or full of questions.
I am those things too but I'm ready for this change I feel happening.

I just grabbed my book and its highlighted pages.
Here's one from Chapter three that sums this up for me right now:


That perfectionism I mentioned above?
For me I think its a way to avoid being vulnerable.
I'm learning that its actually a form of shame.
What is shame?
From Daring Greatly...

"Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience
of believing that we are flawed 
and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."

This deserves a whole post unto itself
but for now, for today,
for me and my declared arena
dedicated to the work aspect of my life,
what I started the course to accomplish,
to show up, be seen, dare greatly,
I will now admit to
never feeling like I ever knew enough.
I work hard in everything I do
and I know for certain
that my work ethic can not be beat.
Back when I earned a paycheck
I was the first to arrive and most times the last to leave.
Give me a job and I'll do whatever it takes to do it right
and to the best of my ability.
But still, I never felt "enough".
I remember even in school,
the teacher would ask a question and call for an answer.
Even if I knew the answer 100% for sure
I would never raise my hand.
Inside my mind whispers would say "there's no way you're correct."
I knew it but I was always afraid of being seen as wrong,
or dumb, or what have you.
I just never felt "good" enough.
Sometimes that feeling extends to other aspects of my life.
Depends on the day I guess.
I'm learning that actually I am enough...
even on the days when my to do list remains untouched,
when laundry piles up and dishes go undone,
when I miss my morning run,
when I don't {fill in the blank here}.
I am still enough.
I will stop myself from comparing my beginning
to someone's middle.
I'm trying my best.
I'm open to the lessons
I'm still learning
and trust me,
I'll keep sharing what I learn,
because I know for a fact
that I am not alone.
Those of you who have reached out to me
and shared with me your own stories...
thank you for being so brave.
I consider that a great honor.
I truly do.
It reminds me of this passage from chapter three...
Brene writes...

"Vulnerability is the path and
courage is the light.
To set down those lists of what we're supposed to be is brave.
To love ourselves and support each other
in the process of becoming real 
is perhaps the greatest single act 
of daring greatly."
~Brene Brown

 When I first started courage works
I said it was because I was afraid.
What I'm realizing is the exact opposite...
I started the class because I was
and am
so incredibly brave.


  1. First of all, you're adorable and I think it's so funny but I was picturing blond hair. Don't ask why, because I have no idea! But here you are with the thickest, loveliest brown hair and I'm a smidge envious. Your post is so timely because as soon as I scheduled today's post I had lots of "You've lost your mind and have zero business doing this." And that's still floating around in my head but I'm choosing to push past it and say "Well, why can't I?" and don't have a valid reason. All the reasons that tell me "no" are based on what I think others might think of me--she's not qualified, not experienced, not trained. And then I said, well, the worst that happens is they won't hire me if they feel that way! Moving on! I know you'll crush it, too--you can learn logistics, but you can't learn talent. :)

    1. Exactly Sharon! Tell those negative thoughts in your head to sit down and shut up because you're uber-talented and your business is going to be brilliant!!!!

  2. Ok, echo the first comment...ummm, I was thinking blonde too?!! LOL Why????? You are adorable!!! I am so, so happy to have a sweet face to place with a name. And, I am sure that Texas accent is darling too. I also so appreciate your honesty. You are gonna do great things girl!!

    1. Hey Lauren! So funny y'all thought I was blonde :) If I stopped coloring my hair I'd be 70+% gray. ha! hope you have a great weekend!

  3. Nancy you are very similar to how I imagined you! You look so much like a good friend of mine from high wonder I like you!!

    1. Hey Cindy! You're so sweet :) Thanks for making me smile as always. Hope you have a beautiful weekend! Happy FriYAY!!!!

  4. So nice to meet your sweet face:)


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