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Thursday, August 9, 2018

on my heart

I wrote the following post about a year ago.
Today, in a moment of procrastination
{disguised as "cleaning"}
I found it again.
It may explain why I have only posted a handful of times in the past year.



I'm learning some big life lessons lately. 
Both personally and professionally. 
I joked to someone the other day
that if felt like there was a big cloud over me lately.
One thing then another and then another,
everything at once really hurting my heart.
Oh yeah and I'm mad as hell too.
With people, at people, but mostly at myself.
For seeing red flags and ignoring them.

The good news is, and there is always good news
 if you stop and think about the big picture,
is that I feel like God is growing me.
That may sound weird to you but I'm ok with that.

You know how when you're thinking of a situation,
trying your best to figure out how to proceed
and things keep happening
where you think the universe is sending you signals?
I have to laugh because {a year ago}
I was among a group of people,
some I've known for a long time,
some new to me.
One person introduced the newbies to me
and I said "oh no, we've actually met before."
Another friend laughingly chimed in 
"Do you know everything about her now?"
As in she probably told you her life story
to which I quipped "oh yeah, we are now officially BFFs."
Trying to be funny even though the comment really stung.
Weirdly enough the interaction reminded me
of a personality test I'd taken
as part of a business class on branding.
One of the questions was if you meet someone you like 
do you go all in and just show them who you are.
#guilty
Now whether that's a good or bad thing I don't know.
But I'll tell you what, it's totally me to put myself out there.
Because I spent many many years holding on to secrets.
And then I decided to let go of {most} of those.
Because secrets, if they stayed buried, are sometimes too big a burden to carry alone.
Some are still too heavy for me but onward I go.

The sting I felt?
I'm sure it was because some recent occurrences
have had me thinking 
about how I go all in with people
if I get a good vibe.
The problem for me becomes when I ignore red flags people wave.
Because I want to be "nice" and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Anybody else relate to this?
Bueller?
Bueller?

I was talking to a friend yesterday about all the red flags I refused to see
until recently
and she sent me this saying
that summed up what I'm learning lately...

always in a southern state of mind


I've put up a fence of boundaries around myself over the past year.
Some people noticed.
Others have no clue.
It's all good though.
I've realized recently that some of the fence posts are getting heavy.
I'm planning to knock down a really big one very soon.
I hope it goes well.
Either way I'll try to write about it here.
I've missed this spot a lot.




4 comments :

  1. Good luck. You won't need any fences with me when we meet in person :)

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  2. Well Hello Nancy, how your readers have missed you! As usual, you have made such an impact with your words and I want to thank you for taking the time to share them. I too go in deep with people, and every once in awhile I get burned because of it but I truly feel that the risk is worth the reward, I would never have the amazing connections with those I care about the most without having been brave enough to go hard! I am roughly the same age as you (I think) and I believe that the beauty of this time in our lives is being able to say no to people when we need to without feeling the need to defend ourselves/feel guilty AND knowing what matters the most to us in terms of relationships, the rest is JUST NOISE. I hope you continue to use this blog space, you are a wise woman and your words are so very worth reading!

    -Lexi

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  3. Hi Nancy - so good to hear from you again. Thanks for posting. I missed you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Nancy I was so happy to see a new post here! I TOTALLY go all in and put myself out there too. Your light shines through so brightly! Put armor around your heart and don't let anyone offend it, but keep being your lovely self!

    ReplyDelete

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