Thursday, August 16, 2018

the wilderness

I'm laughing right now because as soon as I hit publish
on my last blog post
I immediately had to fight the urge to delete the post.
Which is how I knew I needed to walk away and leave it up.
In spite urge, because of the urge.
If you've read this blog for any length of time
you'll know that the past few years 
have been a real deep dive into...well, me.
I feel like it could be like listening to a broken record
for those of you that come here for decor and more
and I want to get back to that and I will, I will.
If you do, that's cool, just know I'm not writing this for you.
I'm writing to those of you out there, and I know you're there,
who are right there where I am or maybe even where I once was.

I've come a long way {baby} in the past few years.
Brene Brown's work was a big part of that deep dig
 I stared many moons ago.
I have to laugh because
her last book was called "Braving the Wilderness"
and before I even read it, the first time I saw the title,
I wondered out loud if perhaps she had been reading the Bible
because at that time
I had just finished reading it myself
for the first time from cover to cover.
While I was reading it (I'm almost done with my second trip through)
and it described people wandering through the wilderness
I often thought of the journey I've been on,
digging through my insides, my heart, my past.
I know we all have baggage,
some is heavier than others,
but we all have ours to carry.
I just decided to open mine,
dump everything out,
sift through it,
pick it apart piece by piece,
and slowly, gradually, sometimes painfully
separated, donated, recycled, and then oh so very delicately
picked up the pieces of my heart and soul
and placed everything back in its place for the journey that is life.
Sometimes I admit I have to pull over again
to re-shift my belongings,
for things still get knocked off balance
and probably always will
but now I know the warning signs,
the little heart tugs
that whisper
something's not quite right.
I know now
that it's no longer weakness
that this happens.
It's really quite the opposite.

This quote sits above me in my office.
{Sadly its not currently available but I scored it at The Marble Jar.}
When my heart whispers, and sometimes even when it doesn't,
I look up and read it and smile.
I'll admit the way my mind reads it internally,
I tend to interject a cuss word in the final line,
for affect you realize
{and yes its a bad habit I've been working on.}
I'm alone in my wilderness,
a glorious, sometimes scary place,
and I'm good here,
so good I promise,
where I know I have all I need,
just God and me.
There's no place else I'd rather be.

ps...because someone asked...
that fence post I mentioned last post,
well, it didn't get knocked down like I thought it would
but it will...I know it will.
Baby steps have been taken.
My mind is made up.
The reaction of others is their problem,
something I will no longer fear.
I refuse to hide any longer.
Show up and be seen y'all.
There is no other way. ;)

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